This is not the ususal sort of thread...

[grebgonebad]

Hi everyone,

First of all, this has nothing to do with technology whatsoever. Basically, I have started dating a girl, (Over 18, dont worry, i'm the same age) who has recently come out of a serious relationship. They broke up on good terms, as he was leaving for university over 200 miles away, and they both thought it would be best to break up to save any difficulties. They had been going out for over a year. I ahve had my eye on this girl for years, we have in fact dated in the past, the last times being over three years ago, but we broke up as we were just leaving High School and going seperate ways (I was taking an apprenticeship and she was doing Further Education) and so we decided to concentrate on our careers. I had every intention on getting back with this girl, but unfortunatly she met the person mentioned above. My better nature stopped me from expressing my true feelings for her, and then I found out they broke up, and long story short, we are dating. But she recently expressed a few feelings to me, about some worries and concerns of hers. First and foremost, whenever we are cuddling or kissing, she says she cant help but think of this other guy. (They had a physical relationship from the first month, whihc she regrets) I tried to console her, and say that these things just take time to go away, and things get easier with time, but she is still uncertain. She is keeping in contact with this guy via text and such, and will meet up when he visits his family, whihc I have no problem with, as I trust her not to do anything while we are dating. But she still feels like things wont get better. I have told her that I will give 100% into helping her get through this, which I will. But the uncertainty still lingers. I really want to help her, becuase she has expressed that she does have feelings for me, and she really wants to make things work between us as well, but sshe still worries. (FYI, she does have an anxiety disorder, which obviously doesnt help things). When we have talked about this, we have both been very honest, not trying to tiptoe around each other, we just say it as it is. What can I do to help make thigs easier? I am absolutely crazy about this girl, she was my High School sweetheart, and I can imagine us 20, 30, 40 years from now leading happy lives with a family of our own. I am so head over heels in love with this girl that I would literally do anything to help her get through this, as it breaks my heart to hear that she does want to make things work between us, but she doesnt think that it will. There is a saying that describes how I feel about her, which I shall state below:

Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you'
Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you'

I am the latter. I dont care about having a physical relationship with her, (Not in the sense that I dont want one, just in the sense that I dont care if we wait until we're married) I just want her. Everything about her is perfect. But I need to help her get through this.

Sorry for the long post, but I dont know what else to do. If anyone has any advice or guidance, I will greatly appreciate it. If there is anyone who has had a similar experience, please share your experience.

I hope that anyone reading this post will be respectful enough not to post hurtful comments, this is literally the love of my life, and what is said here could possibly make or break that.

Thankyou if you have got this far and read everything.

 

[wanamingo]

I got this one gentlemen, they didnt call me Staminahammer Von LongSchlong for nothing.

First off the first paragraph is next to meaningless, the part that worries me about you is you think you need someone. Nobody needs anyone, thats not how healthy relationships work. Thats how you turn into a stalker building a shrine out of her dandruff and dryer lint in your secret love room in the crawl space. IM not really sure how healthy relationships work but if you see that riser fellow around hes been in a long term pairing with a bluetooth device (We hear its getting pretty serious).

Secondly brains love drugs. Other than some crack or bath salts the best way to let your brain get some of that sweet sweet homemade stuff is through sex and love. All those endorphins are addictive, and like all addictions you go through withdrawals. Your brain wants what used to give it all those brain drugs, what used to get her her fix?

Also sex is really fun if you dont believe me just look up some videos online and see how much fun they are having.

 

[riser]

Ah, the trusty Bluetooth. That wretched old hag.. used to be wire, now the damn thing can find me 10 feet away, around the corner, collecting laundry lint.

So she's laying with you, thinking about him? Sounds like you're off to a good start. She's hurt, looking for a rebound and you're jumping in there like a champ. Next up, have some angry sex with her. Couple that with the anxiety order, you need to fix that up. Hopefully she doesn't have nervous poops with that anxiety. She's hurt, nervous, anxious, and thinking of another guy. Get your fill while you can when her mind is elsewhere and you can blame all that crap or poop on him. Help build that wall up buddy! You're on the way to being her knight in sinking armor. If she starts talking too much about him, put something in her mouth and punish her like the bad girl she's been. Mingo has extensive experience in Stockholm's Syndrome, so he can help you really make her fall in love with you. Except his experience has been with other guys, whatever that's worth.

 

[grebgonebad]

Guys, this isnt really helping. Im not just going to screw her the first chance I get. I expected more mature answers from people if im honest. -_- I suppose I'll just have to take this query to Wiki Answers instead.

 

[Reynod]

Don't listen to radioactive boy (riser) because his testicles have been roasted in Uncle Sam's secret den of plutonium too long and he only has experience with women he has had to pay for.

Don't listen to mingo either as he is a sap when it comes to women and usually follows them around like a puppy ... he simply acts out his fantasies here.

Where does this leave you?

Well I'd dump her since she clearly thinks more about the other guy so true love with her is unlikely...

Ditch her and find a shiny new one ... there are heaps of them around and many have baggage so you simply have to test drive a few more.

Getting a good one is like buying a second hand car ... use the same general principles and look for one with a "Wednesday motor that is reasonably sporty but don't pay too much attention to the paintjob.

The shiney fast ones in my experience are usually too expensive to maintain and they get stolen easily.

 

[Reynod]

As a qualified therapist I'd like to point out that she is simply using you too ... telling you about her feelings for the other guy and not putting out for you is a classic.

Your becoming codependent ... run !!!

 

[Mousemonkey]

Women are like motorbikes, ride 'em hard and fast then park up and sink a beer!

 

[chunkymonster]

Guys, this isnt really helping. Im not just going to screw her the first chance I get. I expected more mature answers from people if im honest. -_- I suppose I'll just have to take this query to Wiki Answers instead.

The answers are serious but peppered in a way to make the reality of the advice not seems so harsh.

Bottom line dude, she's thinking about someone else while your trying to start a romantic relationship. You've stated that she doesn't think it's going to work out. NOT GOOD! You are not responsible to help her get over anything, it is up to her and on her own timeline to get over the other guy. By helping her get over him, you are walking a fine line between the friend zone and never gonna happen land. She's keeping in touch with the guy via text and such, and even meets up with him when he's in town. WTF is that bull$hit?! Regardless of whether you trust her or not, I bet you dollars to donuts she's banging him when they meet up; which might explain why she thinks of him when you kiss and cuddle and is not letting you slip it between the pootie lips. From your description, she's with you because you've made it a point to be there, somewhere, always lurking in the background. Are you with her for the right reasons or are you so caught up with putting her on a pedestal you can't think straight? Are your goals and wants in the relationship the same? Are you man and mature enough to say to her, take some time alone to get over the other guy and call me when you're ready? Call is cliche, but they say "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free. If They Come Back They’re Yours" for a reason. They also say "There are plenty of fish in the sea." for a reason too!

As much as it may break your heart, do not be afraid and be man enough to walk away and don't look back.

 

[riser]

Teach her a lesson and knock her up. That'll wake her up quicker than anyone else's advice.

 

[Reynod]

Jeez tough crowd.

I am going with chunky on this one but riser's last answer has merit if you want her at all costs.

MM's response is pure gold.

Frankly walking away is the best solution.

 

[MU_Engineer]

Hi everyone,

First of all, this has nothing to do with technology whatsoever. Basically, I have started dating a girl, (Over 18, dont worry, i'm the same age) who has recently come out of a serious relationship. They broke up on good terms, as he was leaving for university over 200 miles away, and they both thought it would be best to break up to save any difficulties. They had been going out for over a year. I ahve had my eye on this girl for years, we have in fact dated in the past, the last times being over three years ago, but we broke up as we were just leaving High School and going seperate ways (I was taking an apprenticeship and she was doing Further Education) and so we decided to concentrate on our careers. I had every intention on getting back with this girl, but unfortunatly she met the person mentioned above. My better nature stopped me from expressing my true feelings for her, and then I found out they broke up, and long story short, we are dating. But she recently expressed a few feelings to me, about some worries and concerns of hers. First and foremost, whenever we are cuddling or kissing, she says she cant help but think of this other guy. (They had a physical relationship from the first month, whihc she regrets) I tried to console her, and say that these things just take time to go away, and things get easier with time, but she is still uncertain. She is keeping in contact with this guy via text and such, and will meet up when he visits his family, whihc I have no problem with, as I trust her not to do anything while we are dating. But she still feels like things wont get better. I have told her that I will give 100% into helping her get through this, which I will. But the uncertainty still lingers. I really want to help her, becuase she has expressed that she does have feelings for me, and she really wants to make things work between us as well, but sshe still worries. (FYI, she does have an anxiety disorder, which obviously doesnt help things). When we have talked about this, we have both been very honest, not trying to tiptoe around each other, we just say it as it is. What can I do to help make thigs easier? I am absolutely crazy about this girl, she was my High School sweetheart, and I can imagine us 20, 30, 40 years from now leading happy lives with a family of our own. I am so head over heels in love with this girl that I would literally do anything to help her get through this, as it breaks my heart to hear that she does want to make things work between us, but she doesnt think that it will. There is a saying that describes how I feel about her, which I shall state below:

Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you'
Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you'

I am the latter. I dont care about having a physical relationship with her, (Not in the sense that I dont want one, just in the sense that I dont care if we wait until we're married) I just want her. Everything about her is perfect. But I need to help her get through this.

Sorry for the long post, but I dont know what else to do. If anyone has any advice or guidance, I will greatly appreciate it. If there is anyone who has had a similar experience, please share your experience.

I hope that anyone reading this post will be respectful enough not to post hurtful comments, this is literally the love of my life, and what is said here could possibly make or break that.

Thankyou if you have got this far and read everything.

I suppose I will be the nice guy and warn you about us. Most of us in this section are guys in their 30s and older and at least some of us are married and have children. We joined Tom's when Tom Pabst still ran the site and you could overclock CPUs with jumpers and pencil lead. We stuck around through for the next over a decade. We are in a very, very different place in our lives than you are and some of us WILL razz you about it. I'll be 100% professional and serious here and give you the straight story since you seem to be asking an honest, serious question.

The general impression that I get in reading your story is that you are a backup boyfriend and she is on the rebound. Your girlfriend appears to want to be with somebody else but like many women, does not like to be alone. (I will bet you a large amount of money her anxiety gets much worse when she is not in a relationship. It goes with the territory.) You are nice enough and obviously are head over heels with her so of course she will be with you to avoid being alone...until she finds the person she really wants to be with. Her mention of other people when you are being intimate with her is a BIG GIANT FIELD OF RED FLAGS which all point towards this! A real relationship is between people who honestly want to be with each other. She would not mention being with other people if she really wanted to be with you. I don't know you but your willingness to stay with a woman who talks about being with other guys suggests that you don't really have much confidence in you ability to land a date and you possibly are somebody who doesn't want to be alone either.

My suggestion would be to leave her and find somebody who actually respects you. This girl very obviously does not. Trust me as somebody who has been happily married for quite a long time that mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. (The others are open communication, honesty, and a mutual willingness to put the other person first.) You will initially feel like crap. We all have in that situation. But trust me, you'll be much happier later on. Voluntarily leaving her will actually help you to feel *better* as it will help to build your self-confidence which you appear to be somewhat lacking, and help to to find the right person who actually will treat you well. That's what we are all saying, some just more sarcastically and in coarser language than others (riser, you are the worst offender here Well, other than MouseMonkey...)

Teach her a lesson and knock her up. That'll wake her up quicker than anyone else's advice.

Oh god no. I take it you do not actually have any kids. Yeah, she'll certainly wake up. But then she'll just rip the poor OP's balls out through his wallet with child support, continue to blow him off, and then use the legal system to make him feel even worse about himself. NEVER, EVER have a kid to try to keep a relationship together. It not only doesn't work but it makes your life miserable and the kid's life even worse. I have seen way too many people try this and it always fails. Also nobody ever thinks of the poor kid. Kids born into a dysfunctional relationship really suffer. I have seen way too much of it and it is very, very sad.

Geez, I come here to escape my work and all it does is follow me around.

 

[Mousemonkey]

 

[james77]

I had the same experience as you so listen to what I have to say. This girl doesn't really love you, she just needs someone to be with as she is having a hard time right now. But still, you should continue to love and care for her because she needs you right now. She might not give you the love that you want to receive but still, keep on helping her. This might be painful for you but just keep on going and keep on loving even if it leads to nothing. If you really love this girl, you would keep on loving her even if she will never love you. Soon enough, you guys will break up. But it's okay because you are the hero. You have helped someone without asking for something in return.

Always remember: "It's better to have loved and failed rather than to have never loved at all"

You still have a long way ahead of you, and after sometime, I'm sure you will find the right one for you. Goodluck bro.

P.S. I now have a wife, a daughter, the job of my dreams, a car, and will soon buy a house.

 

[Reynod]

Surprisingly good advice from mu ... but I think oldman must have been having a nostalgic moment ... he will be ok after he cleans his Desert Eagle and shoots a few gangbangers for looking over his back fence.

 

[MU_Engineer]

Surprisingly good advice from mu

Since when is my advice NOT good? You guys give me no credit...

... but I think oldman must have been having a nostalgic moment ... he will be ok after he cleans his Desert Eagle and shoots a few gangbangers for looking over his back fence.

Either that or trying to re-educate himself by listening to a stack of David Allen Coe records. "Pick 'em, lick 'em, stick 'em" isn't just a parody of "The Gambler," it's relationship advice!

 

[Mousemonkey]

I'm guessing that no one here thinks women are like carpets then?

 

[Reynod]

Hmm .. we all worship ... and despise them at the same time.

Mine just had me running around at the shops for her.

I hate shopping unless its at the local PC place ... where the geeks worship me as one of their gods.

An old god ... but a god nevertheless.

 

[riser]

I'm guessing that no one here thinks women are like carpets then?

Old, dirty, stained and seen better days?

Heard enough buddy.

 

[Mousemonkey]

I'm guessing that no one here thinks women are like carpets then?

Old, dirty, stained and seen better days?

Heard enough buddy.

Or if you lay them properly the first time you can walk over them for life.

 

[Reynod]

I think we are getting off-topic here a little ... did the OP flee screaming?

 

[chunkymonster]

The OP prolly expected the THG denizens to sympathize and tell him what he wanted to hear but instead got smacked with the reality of experienced men.

I also was hoping the OP would actively participate and bask in our life wisdom.

 

[riser]

He comes to us with his problem.. that she is thinking about another guy when they're messing around. Then he follows up and says she's perfect.

Enough said.