OMFG it's working!!!
And it was the stupidest solution ever.
Not the motherboard (I have a nice new GA-73PVM-32 that I don't need now)
The ****ing RAM. When I pushed it in, I didn't use enough force for fear of driving it straight through the board. I thought from the start that it wasn't in correctly but the little white clips made a click noise when I pushed them up against it and it wasn't falling out so I figured hey it's in.
The way I discovered this: I was ripping apart my Dell Dimension 1100 which I'm writing on now god bless it, ripping that huge green plastic thing off, when I thought 'what if I try that RAM as I can't get the CPU out!'. Took a stick out, no dice, it was 400mhz. When I went to put it back in, the clips wouldn't engage, so I just got pissed off and forced it a little when suddenly POP it was in and the clips snapped shut. Tried this on my new board.... POP it was in... stuck a knife on the power pins... holy **** the screen has text on it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all your help guys, even if was my n00bness that cursed the thing from the beginning. At least now you'll know what to do if some other idiot like me comes to you with "my computer starts, doesn't beep and no display!", just tell him to push the RAM in HARD until you hear a pop.
Off to eBay now with this new mobo. Cost me £59.99 from PCWorld. How much you think eBayers would pay for it?