Can't install Windows 7 SP1 platform update Error 80070005

[plexico224]

PC: Gateway dx4860
OS: Windows 7 64 bit Service Pack 1

I have been trying all day to install the windows 7 SP1 platform update (kb2670838). When I restart my computer to finalize the update, it will get to 98% then say "Failed configuring windows update. Reverting changes". Checking the windows update history tells me it failed due to error 80070005, which googling says it is a permissions error. The reason I don't just forget about the update is because some games require it to be installed.

Things I have tried:

Windows update troubleshooter, which claimed it fixed 80070005 but didn't really do anything

Turning windows firewall and antivirus off

Installing in a clean boot slate

Running subinacl with the instructions in this microsoft support page: https://support.microsoft.com/en-us/kb/968003

Manually resetting windows update components

Contemplating suicide

Scanning with Microsoft Safety Scanner, no files infected.

Also, I've been installing it manually from the microsoft website. When I try to use windows update, it hangs on 0% downloading, or most recently "Checking for Updates". I think this is related to the cause of 80070005.

 

[SkyNetRising]

Here is how to update windows 7:
1st do this:
http://www.howtogeek.com/255435/how-to-update-windows-7-all-at-once-with-microsofts-convenience-rollup/
2nd do this:
http://wu.krelay.de/en/2016-07.htm