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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand to help her.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a town drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Friday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes on a Friday nite into town again, you're fired."
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand to help her.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a town drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Friday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes on a Friday nite into town again, you're fired."
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THE Missourah VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a Missourah couple decided that , that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian( animal doctor) and told him that he and his cousin (his wife) didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in parts of Missourah) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5" ( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Florida, West Virginia and North Carolina.
After their 11th child, a Missourah couple decided that , that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian( animal doctor) and told him that he and his cousin (his wife) didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in parts of Missourah) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Kentuckian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5" ( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Florida, West Virginia and North Carolina.
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Ole' Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota ,takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay'.
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
He took four tongue depressors, and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together .. Quite an impressive work of art..
Ole mentions none of this to Lena , marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, .....still in DA CRATE!
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay'.
The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
He took four tongue depressors, and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together .. Quite an impressive work of art..
Ole mentions none of this to Lena , marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth
That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said, 'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'
Ole immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis, .....still in DA CRATE!
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- Jun 17, 2006
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A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get a box of condoms for her boyfried cause hes really going to be suprised and will want to make luv to her tonite and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast . He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get a box of condoms for her boyfried cause hes really going to be suprised and will want to make luv to her tonite and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast . He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There’s another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There’s another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating. '
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating, ' said the woman.
''What a coincidence! ' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating? '
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence! ' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different **** (rhymes with rock), he replied'.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating. '
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating, ' said the woman.
''What a coincidence! ' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating? '
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence! ' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different **** (rhymes with rock), he replied'.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'
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Obamaonomics.
The science of turning a recession into a great depression through out-of-control deficit spending, printing money, borrowing money from our enemies, and confiscating money from the private sector in the form of massive tax increases to "add or save" government jobs at a cost of $563,872 per job (according to Obama's recovery.gov 05/05/2010) and an average salary of $42,000
The science of turning a recession into a great depression through out-of-control deficit spending, printing money, borrowing money from our enemies, and confiscating money from the private sector in the form of massive tax increases to "add or save" government jobs at a cost of $563,872 per job (according to Obama's recovery.gov 05/05/2010) and an average salary of $42,000
JAYDEEJOHN
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- Aug 23, 2006
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Im just waiting for carbon credits to go public, Ill take 10 grand worth
Whats wrinkled, six inches long, and makes women feel good?
100$ bill
Whats wrinkled, six inches long, and makes women feel good?
100$ bill
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- Jun 17, 2006
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:lol: Remember the time when you could get anything you want at Alice's restaurant in exchange for carbon credits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC5uV4wbcTQ
Financial news.
Boston mob boss Whitey Bulger was tracked down in Santa Monica by the FBI Wednesday after sixteen years on the run. Stocks fell on the news. When it was first reported the feds had just nailed Whitey, everyone assumed the Democrats had pushed through a tax hike on the rich.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC5uV4wbcTQ
Financial news.
Boston mob boss Whitey Bulger was tracked down in Santa Monica by the FBI Wednesday after sixteen years on the run. Stocks fell on the news. When it was first reported the feds had just nailed Whitey, everyone assumed the Democrats had pushed through a tax hike on the rich.
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:lol: I have an aunt who is British. Her son, my cousin, was born two days after me in the same room she shared with my mother at the hospital. I am always reminded my diaper was changed a lot of days by a Brit. I bloody well will never forget it.
I opened a bazooka today and saw this.
Obama had an embarrassing number of no-shows at his fundraising dinner for Wall Street executives Friday. He is sinking in the polls. He's so unpopular that even Kenyans are saying he was born in the United States.
I opened a bazooka today and saw this.
Obama had an embarrassing number of no-shows at his fundraising dinner for Wall Street executives Friday. He is sinking in the polls. He's so unpopular that even Kenyans are saying he was born in the United States.
jonpaul37
Distinguished
- May 29, 2008
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K, so 3 guys are hiking in the wilderness in the Amazon Rain Forest. They stumble upon and are captured by a semi-hostile never-before-seen tribe who give each men one of two choices:
1. Death
- or -
2. Ungi-Bungi
The first man says "Ungi-Bungi without asking question and then every member of the tribe proceeds to butt-rape him.
The second man says that he'd rather not die so he reluctantly chooses Ungi-Bungi and well... you know what happens.
The third man chooses death and the Tribe Chief replies; "Ok then! Death by Ungi-Bungi!"
1. Death
- or -
2. Ungi-Bungi
The first man says "Ungi-Bungi without asking question and then every member of the tribe proceeds to butt-rape him.
The second man says that he'd rather not die so he reluctantly chooses Ungi-Bungi and well... you know what happens.
The third man chooses death and the Tribe Chief replies; "Ok then! Death by Ungi-Bungi!"
CompTIA_Rep
Splendid
- Jul 13, 2006
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