Well, the title pretty much sums it up. But just to make certain that you understand what I mean, I'll elaborate, because such a statement coming from me does deserve some explanation. If it happens that I have recently (or not so recently) helped you fix a problem with your home computer, please don't take this personally because it probably doesn't apply to you. Unless, of course, it does apply to you. This is, in a manner of speaking, my Declaration of Independence From Clients Who Don't Even Say Thank You Even Though I Didn't Charge Them A Dime.
I will no longer go out of my way to help people who are ungrateful and inconsiderate. I will not, merely because I am a nice guy, drop what I am doing, forego my dinner, delay completion of my own projects, or skip sleeping just to ensure that you can log on to AOL or use your analog modem without being disconnected or boot the system that you screwed up by your own hand. I will not tell you how to rebuild your system with your pirated copy of Windows. I will not explain to you why your computer is full of viruses or spyware after you have been running for a year with an expired copy of Norton AntiVirus, no firewall, and no anti-spyware software while you have been regularly visiting malware-filled porn or music-sharing or warez websites. I will not give you the bad news that you are going to have to purchase replacement Windows media because your old CD has “disappeared” or has been sitting sitting under your desk for five years and is now is scratched beyond repair. I will not tell you why you have to buy a copy of Windows for the computer that you purchased from a friend who didn't include the original copy of the operating system when he sold it to you. I will not tell you why writing on your CD label with a pen rendered it unusable, or what is going to happen to that stack of magnetic media that you store in the magnetic field above your CRT. I will not locate the drivers that were on that disc that you used to have but can’t seem to find now, despite having looked in the 15 places that you store your CDs and that you can’t even find in the stack of discs that are not in their cases atop your desk.
Further, I no longer care to hear what your cousin or your brother or your friend who taught himself how to write software when he was 8 years old told you is wrong with your system. It does not interest me that the guy you know down the street who has never been responsible for more than one or two thousand PCs at work has told you something different that what I told you. I could not possibly care less what your buddy whose job it is to maintain his company’s computers but who makes no more than 60 or 70 thousand a year doing so said is wrong with your computer. I will no longer brux the enamel from my teeth while listening to what the teenager at the corner computer store suggested that you do. The suggestions offered by the guy who authoritatively stated that Code 3 of 9 barcodes are not alphanumeric or the guy who doesn't know the difference between the Web and the Internet: completely uninteresting to me. If the opinions of such folk were indeed useful, then your computer would be running by now, would it not? When I was 20, or 30 (or even 40), I would have simply been amused and helped you. But no more.
When you buy a new computer, I will not make alternative suggestions when you find that great deal on a Celeron or comment when you state that multicore CPUs are useless because you only run one program at a time. I will not discuss the merits and demerits of LCD displays vs. CRTs for viewing live video or games. I’ll even resist offering an opinion about the new system’s 512MB of memory or 5400 RPM disc drive. I’ll forego any comments regarding your desire to print the highest quality photos when you order that all-in-one printer.
Lest any Linux users feel left out, another sun will not rise upon my sitting through another tale of the woes that you have getting your audio cds to play or finding graphics card drivers compatible with an operating system that was created and is maintained by a bunch of self-important individuals of only average ability who are not subject to any Quality Assurance process other than peer review and who are unable to build an operating system distribution that does not suffer from the very same defects that Microsoft’s products have while they continue to bash Windows at the top of their voices for having the exact same buffer overflow and input-sanitizing problems and security holes found in their own product. I will in the future only smile politely as you describe the annoyance of running such an operating system created by fanboys who believe that bash is a good replacement for ksh or who not only think that Perl’s “statement if condition” construct is cute, but who use it at every opportunity. Hereafter, when you confuse Linux and UNIX, I shall merely nod my head and, again, smile politely.
When you state that you have no idea how to get into the BIOS configuration of your PC, I will not help you. When you finally do get there, I will not explain what the various settings mean. Your ntldr not found? Bummer, man. No backups from which to restore your system after your disc drive fails? Damn, that sucks. Router leaking DHCP onto your corporate network or don’t know how to renew your DHCP leases? Tragic. Can’t seem to figure out how to work around your device’s routing table entries timing out? Yeah, that is annoying. Thought that you were going to be able to use your old RAID discs after you replace a failed motherboard with a new one that uses a different RAID controller? Yeah, unrecognized singular points of failure are indeed problematic. Your java chat client causing you problems because it stores its user-specific configuration settings in the wrong directory simply because it “works” across platforms? Gotta hate that.
But guess whose problem these aren’t, anymore.
I will no longer go out of my way to help people who are ungrateful and inconsiderate. I will not, merely because I am a nice guy, drop what I am doing, forego my dinner, delay completion of my own projects, or skip sleeping just to ensure that you can log on to AOL or use your analog modem without being disconnected or boot the system that you screwed up by your own hand. I will not tell you how to rebuild your system with your pirated copy of Windows. I will not explain to you why your computer is full of viruses or spyware after you have been running for a year with an expired copy of Norton AntiVirus, no firewall, and no anti-spyware software while you have been regularly visiting malware-filled porn or music-sharing or warez websites. I will not give you the bad news that you are going to have to purchase replacement Windows media because your old CD has “disappeared” or has been sitting sitting under your desk for five years and is now is scratched beyond repair. I will not tell you why you have to buy a copy of Windows for the computer that you purchased from a friend who didn't include the original copy of the operating system when he sold it to you. I will not tell you why writing on your CD label with a pen rendered it unusable, or what is going to happen to that stack of magnetic media that you store in the magnetic field above your CRT. I will not locate the drivers that were on that disc that you used to have but can’t seem to find now, despite having looked in the 15 places that you store your CDs and that you can’t even find in the stack of discs that are not in their cases atop your desk.
Further, I no longer care to hear what your cousin or your brother or your friend who taught himself how to write software when he was 8 years old told you is wrong with your system. It does not interest me that the guy you know down the street who has never been responsible for more than one or two thousand PCs at work has told you something different that what I told you. I could not possibly care less what your buddy whose job it is to maintain his company’s computers but who makes no more than 60 or 70 thousand a year doing so said is wrong with your computer. I will no longer brux the enamel from my teeth while listening to what the teenager at the corner computer store suggested that you do. The suggestions offered by the guy who authoritatively stated that Code 3 of 9 barcodes are not alphanumeric or the guy who doesn't know the difference between the Web and the Internet: completely uninteresting to me. If the opinions of such folk were indeed useful, then your computer would be running by now, would it not? When I was 20, or 30 (or even 40), I would have simply been amused and helped you. But no more.
When you buy a new computer, I will not make alternative suggestions when you find that great deal on a Celeron or comment when you state that multicore CPUs are useless because you only run one program at a time. I will not discuss the merits and demerits of LCD displays vs. CRTs for viewing live video or games. I’ll even resist offering an opinion about the new system’s 512MB of memory or 5400 RPM disc drive. I’ll forego any comments regarding your desire to print the highest quality photos when you order that all-in-one printer.
Lest any Linux users feel left out, another sun will not rise upon my sitting through another tale of the woes that you have getting your audio cds to play or finding graphics card drivers compatible with an operating system that was created and is maintained by a bunch of self-important individuals of only average ability who are not subject to any Quality Assurance process other than peer review and who are unable to build an operating system distribution that does not suffer from the very same defects that Microsoft’s products have while they continue to bash Windows at the top of their voices for having the exact same buffer overflow and input-sanitizing problems and security holes found in their own product. I will in the future only smile politely as you describe the annoyance of running such an operating system created by fanboys who believe that bash is a good replacement for ksh or who not only think that Perl’s “statement if condition” construct is cute, but who use it at every opportunity. Hereafter, when you confuse Linux and UNIX, I shall merely nod my head and, again, smile politely.
When you state that you have no idea how to get into the BIOS configuration of your PC, I will not help you. When you finally do get there, I will not explain what the various settings mean. Your ntldr not found? Bummer, man. No backups from which to restore your system after your disc drive fails? Damn, that sucks. Router leaking DHCP onto your corporate network or don’t know how to renew your DHCP leases? Tragic. Can’t seem to figure out how to work around your device’s routing table entries timing out? Yeah, that is annoying. Thought that you were going to be able to use your old RAID discs after you replace a failed motherboard with a new one that uses a different RAID controller? Yeah, unrecognized singular points of failure are indeed problematic. Your java chat client causing you problems because it stores its user-specific configuration settings in the wrong directory simply because it “works” across platforms? Gotta hate that.
But guess whose problem these aren’t, anymore.
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